I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
