Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
