Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
