I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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