i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
