I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
