I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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