I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so let's talk penis.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
