So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
