my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
