i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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