she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
