I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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