she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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