you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
