It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
A bitchslap is in order.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
