Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
