it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
