If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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