i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
