News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
