I'm gonna have a badass scar
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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