at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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