SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
