Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I need to align my fucking chakras
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
