He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
