if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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