i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i will never coherently bang her
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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