I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I believe in your delicious
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
