2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She's the barista slut.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
