Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
