took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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