You smell like stripper and shame
Just cropdusted the office
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business