She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
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I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
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Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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