Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
