Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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