be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
