Dude my mom stole all your condoms
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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