My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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