There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
