and she was petting her beer can
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
There's always time for handjobs
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
