I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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