After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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