I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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