are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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