So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
That's intense
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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