I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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