My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
