How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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