First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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