Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
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Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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