How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
