The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
